Life Lessons From Mom - Oops!

The past few weeks have been challenging, at best. I lost two dear friends and had a serious bout with food poisoning. It has been seven months since my mom passed away and I can still hear her voice in my head.  My mom was such a wise lady and had an amazing sense of humor.  She would tell us a story and before she could finish it, she would make herself laugh.  

Today was one of those days when her sayings were rolling around in my head.  I was in bible study and we were studying the stories of Abraham and Ishmael and of Isaac and Esau.  Our bible study leader asked why we thought people repeated the same mistakes over and over. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out "It's because they don't believe that fat meat is greasy!" The entire group began to laugh and I had to laugh myself.  That was one of my mom's sayings whenever we did something that she told us not to do and then reaped the consequences of our actions.

Why do we make the same mistakes that our parents have made, especially when we know what the outcome is going to be? We can tell our children stories of our own childhood mistakes and they still won't learn until they try it and fail on their own. My bible study leader said it best "That is the human condition in a nutshell!"  

I talked to a mom today who was so sad that her child made a serious mistake that the mom worked so hard to help the child avoid.  I could feel her pain as she told the story.  She told me, in detail, all the efforts she made to explain to her child how to avoid making this mistake.  That was still not enough to keep her child from this situation.  I told her that sometimes our best efforts cannot keep our children from themselves. Sometimes, all we can do is pray for our children and make every effort not to wear them out by telling them "I told you so!"  There is nothing stopping you from whispering "You didn't believe fat meat was greasy, did you?" Of course, I wouldn't recommend this for serious situations.  

I never cease thanking the Lord for a mom who taught me so much about life and living. I pray you have a great week and take some time to laugh. It will make even the worse situations bearable.  

DJ

Let's Talk Sports!

Today begins the roll out of the National Alliance of Youth Sports' Let's Talk Sports video. I had the joy of filming this video last month and hope to see it in every elementary and high school in America before too long.

The goal of Let's Talk Sports is to provide an opportunity for parents and their children to discuss the valuable life lessons that are learned when children participate in sports. At the end of the day, we want parents to not only ask their child "who won?" but "what did you learn today about determination? Or, "How are you demonstrating leadership on the team?"
In a world where we are competing with video games and cell phones when trying to connect with our children, this activity is designed for us to unplug and talk about lessons that will last them a lifetime.

The video is free and can be viewed at letstalksports.nays.org.

Take a  moment and view the video.  It requires that you sign up so that you can stop and start without losing your data. Please share it with every parent, coach, sports volunteer and any one who cares about children and values.  Let me know what you think.

Let's begin the conversation!

DJ

Remembering

This has been a week of so many emotions. On last Thursday I had just gotten my house decorated for Christmas.  My middle son, Joshua Alexander had just finished his last paper signifying his completion of all requirements to graduate from the University of Kansas and I was finally getting into the holiday spirit.  Then, I turned on the television Friday evening to discover that 20 children and 6 adults had been murdered in a horrific incident in Newtown, Connecticut.  

There are no words to describe a feeling a mom has when any child dies.  But it really leaves you numb when  such a senseless thing occurs.  So many emotions washed over me and now I am left with a profound sadness for those who are left to deal with this madness.  

I am always touched by the love and concern that surround communities when tragedy occurs.  Each day there have been reports of what people are doing to make sure the memory of the 26 who perish lives on. 

It is my prayer that something good comes out of all of this.  I am can only imagine how difficult it to have conversations with your small children.  Please take a moment to review this post at Sideline Pass that helps address the questions that you may be confronted with: http://www.sidelinepass.com/eight-tips-for-answering-questions-about-sandy-hook-elementary-school/

At this moment I am praying for the families in Newtown and hugging my boys just a little tighter as I am reminded just how fragile life is.  

Christmas is Coming! Choose a Day to Celebrate!

It is 26 days until Christmas.  This is a magical time for kids as well as grown ups.  Black Friday is behind us and we are looking forward to celebrating the birth of Christ.  The tree in Rockefeller Plaza was lit last night and people all over the world are contemplating upcoming family gatherings.

You would think this would be one the happiest times of the year. Sadly, so much conversation is about how to split the time with both sides of the family.  I have friends who's children are newly married and they worry  if they will get to see them now that they are forming new family rituals. Some families are blended or divorced and the holiday negotiations have already begun to see who will get to have the children on Christmas morning. It is a source of much stress and can really affect how you view the holidays if you don't have a plan.

After my divorce, I dealt with some major tug-o-wars on who would get the boys on Christmas Day.  The first couple of years were not pretty. My Ex would negotiate for time on Christmas Day and then, would not show up.  So often, we would spend way too much time arguing about who turn it was or, in my case, how it would ruin my big family gathering not to have my boys there with me. Then, one day it hit me.  Why am I getting so caught up on a particular day when I can just designate a day to celebrate Christmas with my family and friends and not get frustrated at a time that was meant to enjoy your family.

I call my system "The holiday in lieu of day."  When I worked in Human Resources, we had 24 hour/7 day operations like the hospitals and some people had to work on Christmas. For those people, they got to designate a day, in lieu of Christmas, that became their holiday.  So many people would celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve or even the week before.  What those people found was that they didn't have to fuss with ex-spouses or be sad that their grown children had chosen to spend Christmas Day with the in-laws or friends.  It was a win-win.

The way for this to really work is that you have to decide that the day you choose is really the holiday.  You don't spend December 25th still being sad that your family is not there for the "real" day.  It takes some work to get it going but after a few years, it really works.  The goal is to be able to spend time with your family during the holidays with the least about of stress and as much joy as you can handle.

The reality is that you want your children to associate this time with joy and not stress.  You don't want to make your grown children feel guilty at this time so that they no longer look forward to the holidays. For my family, we work to make the holidays at time of being thankful to God for all of his gifts--especially the gift of eternal life through Jesus. Our boys are all grown and not married yet so we are really enjoying this period of having them all home again.

I know this period won't last and I am already thinking of ways to make future holidays work for everyone involved.  We are a huge sports family and look forward to watching bowl games and basketball as we gather together. All the boys can cook so there is healthy competition in the kitchen and everyone gets to make something for the meal. We need to incorporate a family workout session before and after so we can enjoy all the food that we make with no guilt!

Every day with family is precious! Take the time now to ensure that you have a special ritual and day during this season to really enjoy your family.  When your children are much older, they won't remember how much money you spent on a gift. Their memories will shaped by how they felt when you were all doing things together.  Enjoy making the memories!

Peace!

DJ

Life Lessons from Mom -Being Present

My mom had an incredible sense of humor and a razor sharp wit.  Even after she was admitted into a nursing home and had some challenges with dementia she still kept her wit and humor.  My sister Sylvia was her primary care giver and worked tirelessly to make sure mom's paperwork was always in order and that she had what she needed. Sylvia was there most days and mom looked forward to her visits.  Mom had loads of people who loved her so it was normal for her to have two or three visitors each day.

One weekend, Sylvia came to visit me and was unable to visit mom. Mom called Sylvia and was pretty upset about the fact that she was sitting in her room with no visitors. Sylvia handed me the phone in an effort to calm mom down.  I asked mom what the problem was and she told me that she was sitting in the room all alone with no visitors. I began to remind her that it was only 10 a.m. and that she had lots of visitors the day before. To that she replied "I am not talking about yesterday.  Everyday has to answer for itself."  When that didn't work, I told her if she couldn't be with the ones she loved, love the ones she was with"  To that she replied, "Well I guess I am loving AIR, because that is all I see right now!"  Sylvia and I could not stop laughing at that.

It has been over a year since that incident but it stills reminds me that the only day we have is today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised.  Mom had a way of enjoying her days and was always busy making a difference in the lives around her.  When you talked to her, you had her complete attention.

I now realize the power of being present.  Just because we open our eyes each day doesn't mean we are actually in the moment.  Our best thinking can only be done when we can give our total thought and attention to the situation at hand.  So often, we are busy multitasking and rushing that we forget to live.

I have begun to sit still for 10 minutes a day.  I mean really sit still.  This means no surfing the web on your cell phone and having no television or radio on to distract you.  It really helps it you can do it without fidgeting or moving.  Before you know it, you will be keenly aware of your thoughts and surroundings. This will lead to some wonderful discoveries about yourself and your life.  It will also help you to understand the people around you a little better each day.

Once you have mastered that, try to really listen to the people around you and be present with them.  You will be surprise at what you discover.  I have found that I am more productive and my relationships are more meaningful.  This is especially important if you have children (that include grown ones!).  Life is a gift--be present and enjoy it!

DJ

Life Lessons From Mom - Hold On!

Today I was talking with a friend and she said "I cannot believe so many challenging things are happening at once.  I don't think it can get any worse!"  That seems to be the sentiment of so many people I have talked with lately.  We just dealt with another hurricane, too many close friends have lost a parent this year or are dealing with the reality of caring for a sick parent; relationships are fragile; and financial woes seems to be rampant.  I can hear my mom saying, "Hold on! It is always darkest before dawn."

It's strange how things seem harder to deal with at night. As a child I was afraid of the dark and everything just looked scary.  I would turn the light on and would try to go to sleep before my mom would tell me to turn the light out. As I got older and encountered life's issues and situations, it was amazing to me that what seemed so hopeless one night could all be changed for the better the next day.  

My mom raised 6 children while working full-time most of that time.  After twenty-five years of marriage she went through a divorce had to rear three of us by herself and it was not always easy.  During that period, mom cared for her mom who succumbed to cancer when I was in the sixth grade.  Mom would work a full day and then come home and attend to our needs and made sure my grandmother had what she needed. Mom didn't complain and found reasons to laugh even in the midst of it all. 

Over the weekend we made the 11-hour trip to Kansas for our middle son's season opener.  I like to drive at night to avoid the rush hour traffic.  We travel all the way on Interstate 70 and there are long lonely stretches in the road where there are farms on each side of the road.  In some places it is so dark that you can only see what is in your headlight beam.  Around six o'clock in the morning, the dawn breaks and what was pitch black starts to take shape and before you  know it, houses appear and you can see the beautiful landscape. It is a beautiful sight. 

When life is wearing me down and things don't seem to be getting better, I remember what mom told me and  start looking for daybreak.  No matter how long the night seems, HOLD ON!  It is always darkest before dawn. Don't give up!  Daybreak is coming!  

DJ

the moment after which the sky is no longer completely dark; formally defined as the time at which the sun is 18 degrees below the horizon in the morning.^[1]

Life Lesson from My Mom -Brain Power!

Last week, I was rushing to get to the airport to pick up my sister after I had taken a side trip to stop by a yard sale (one my favorite things to do on Friday mornings!).  I was in a neighborhood that I was not familiar with and forgot that school had started.  I got stuck behind a school bus that was making stops at every corner.  After 10 minutes of stop and go traffic I could hear my mom saying, "You gotta use your head for something else besides a hat rack!"  Instead of continuing to follow this bus back the way I had entered the neighborhood, I finally took a chance and went down a side street that eventually led me back to the expressway.  Before I knew it, I was on my way and made it to the airport in time to meet my sister.

Mom was such a sharp dresser and had an array of cute hats.  She loved glitter and rhinestones and even had snazzy baseball caps in bright pretty colors.  Looking good was an art form for her and she never left the house without looking her best. She was known for the pretty outfits she would wear.

The amazing thing about mom is that she paid as much attention to her mind as she did to her outer appearance.  You would always find mom with a word search puzzle or a good book to read. She wrote lots of letters and kept travel journals. She was always researching recipes and ways to do things better.  I am convinced that all of these mental exercises played a big role in her living for 91 years and still being able to remember so much.

We are living in an age where image is though to be everything.  Parents are rushing about trying to make sure their children look their best as they return to school.  They are buying beautiful backpacks with gorgeous designs and posting so many cute pictures on Facebook.

I feel  it is important for us to look our best and to find a style that fits our personality. However, what I think is vital is that we exercise our brain so that it stays sharp and ready to tackle the onslaught of issues and situations we encounter on a daily basis.

We have to be careful not to live our lives on auto-pilot.  It is too easy to keep all of our numbers on speed dial rather than remembering at least the important ones; to use a calculator for everything instead of adding things in our head, taking the same routes everywhere we go instead of venturing out and trying new routes; cooking the sames things week after week instead of trying new recipes; and trying on new colors instead of sticking with our "go to" outfits.  These are just a few examples of how we have "dumb down" our minds over time.  Eventually, it causes us to have imbalances in our brain and leads to many complications including depression.*

My mom was right.  If we are going to live happy healthy lives filled with lots of creativity, we have to use our heads for more than just a hat rack!  I am taking my life to the next level by attending a country music concert (I have never been to one!), hiking a new trail, trying a vegan diet for a week (well..at least for a few days), reading one of the classics that I overlooked growing up and taking in a kids movie (all of my boys are grown now).  Are you willing to take the challenge with me? I am going to do something different every day for the next 90 days and see what happens.  Please join me and let me know how you feel and if you see any changes to your life.

Enjoy!

DJ

Reference:
http://www.depressionbeater.com/Depression....WhyChangesOfRoutineCanHelp.pdf

Life Lessons from My Mom - Wake Up!

My birthday is tomorrow.  I have an annual ritual that I begin a few days before my birthday where I look at my life and review where I am.  I decide what is working, what needs more work and what is not working.  I also use this time to think about how I want my life to be different for the coming year.  Often I daydream about my perfect life and how I would live it if it could all come true.  

Yesterday, I was thinking about turning 55 and all the things I have yet to accomplish.  When I started to spend too much time just dreaming about it, I could hear my mom's familiar saying in my head, "Nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream."  I could hear her screaming "Wake up Debbie!" 

My mom had a thing about using time wisely and she was not afraid of hard work to make her dreams come true.  She wasn't one to wallow too long about things that weren't going right.  Mom was always devising a plan to get something that she wanted. She worked a full-time job and many others on the side. She would work 8 hours and then come home and press ladies' hair to make extra money.  She sold her famous yeast rolls to make sure she had money to go on trips with the church or get something for us.  No matter how much was involved, Mom found the time to do the things she thought were important.  

I talk to many parents and they tell me how their teenagers spend most of the day sleeping.  Others tell me how their college age children don't have tuition for the coming year yet they spend most of the productive time of the day sleeping or laying around daydreaming about what they wish they had. That would never happen in my mom's house.  She made sure we got up early and were actively engaged in something productive. 

When I was younger I thought it was not fair to spend the summer getting up so early and having to work on school work even when school was not in session.  As the years went by, I learned the value of making plans and staying ahead of the game when I was working toward something I wanted. 

After five decades of wisdom from my mom, I have realized how much of who I am came from listening to her and following through with the advice she gave me.  If you are reading this and realizing that you have done way to much dreaming and not enough doing to realize your dreams, WAKE UP! IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Start now by making every day count.  Do whatever you need to do to get where you want to be.  Let me know how you are doing.  

DJ

Life Lessons from My Mom - Priorities

In my world, life is a constant juggle.  There never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done.  No matter how early I get up and how late I stay up there is always so much left to get done. My mom raised 6 children;  worked in the emergency room of University Hospitals for over 30 years, kept an immaculate and orderly home; found time to care for others; grew a beautiful flower garden every year; worked in the church and still found more time to keep herself looking good.

When I was struggling with my young sons and traveling a lot for my job I called my mom to asked how she did it all.  She said, "Baby, You gotta put your priorities in the right perspective."  She learned this long before Stephen Covey taught us to do "first things first." 

When I was I child, I marveled how my mom got it all done.  No matter how early I got up, she was up even earlier.  After 25 years of marriage, my mom and dad divorced and, although it was not easy for her, she managed to keep it together.  She paid off our home by the time I was in junior high school.  She knew has had to get the bills paid and on time so she stayed up late, putting all of her bills in a ledger and getting them mailed on time. 

No matter how busy she was, she made time to listen to me and my concerns about life.  No matter how exhausted she was, she could be found on her knees beside her bed praying to God and giving thanks. She knew the power of laughter and there was no shortage of fun in our household. 

Being on time was a priority for mom and even though she didn't drive, she kept a schedule for every bus in Cleveland and would get where she had to go.  When things would come up at the last minute, she would re-group and make the time to get important things done.  

She made seeing about others a priority and used her love for writing and cooking to comfort and encourage so many.  Even after she had a stroke and had to slow down considerably, she once again shifted her priorities to do what she could do.  She graciously dealt with her new limitations and let go of things that she was no longer able to do. Her new priority was living out her last days ensuring that her legacy was in tact.  She wanted to make sure that all of her worldly possessions found a good home.  She gave nuggets of wisdom  as long as she could. At 85 years old, she had a video filmed of herself so that we would have it to share with our off-springs for years to come.  She even left a poem for us in her safety deposit box in 1987 with a note on it that read "I hope this gives you comfort when the time comes."  She added "I hope you won't need it for a long time."  That was 25 years ago! 

Mom made the most of every day by keeping her priorities in order.  My goal is to learn from that lesson and  look at how I am spending my time and make daily adjustments to make the most of each day.  Some things we must get done and we have to recognized those things.  Other things can wait when something more pressing comes along.  The key is to pray for wisdom to know what to do when.  

How will you spend today? Take time to look at your life and see what changes need to be made.  I would love to hear from you and have you share what you are doing to make each day really count.  Remember, you have to keep your priorities in the right perspective!  

Be blessed!

DJ

Going For The Goal

I have been so inspired by so many of the Olympic stories.  As a sports mom, I know the high cost that my boys have   paid to do what they love. This morning I watched an interview with Gabby Douglas after she won the women's gymnastics all  around gold. She said that she trains herself mentally and doesn't  waste time looking at the scoreboard.  What a wonderful lesson for life that is!

As parents, we often determine how well we or our children are doing by keeping score. We can lose out on the joy of the journey by spending too much time keeping score of how we are doing compared to other parents. The reality is that we have to keep our eyes on the prize, and do our best with rearing our children. In turn, it will teach our children to do the same.

I often tell my boys to just do their best and leave the rest to the Lord. Once you do all you know to do, no matter what the outcome is, you will know there was nothing else you could have done.  I am sure it is heartbreaking for the athletes who have prepared to the best of their ability and then miss the mark by making small errors or just having a bad day.

Only one team or individual will win the gold in a particular event. Even with this fact in mind, every Olympian trains with the thought that they will win that honor.  As parents, we must teach ourselves and our children to go for the gold in life.  We must believe that our dreams can come true and then take the necessary steps to make it happen.  Don't let what others are doing discourage you from investing in your dreams.

If you need some encouragement, take some time to follow some of the stories of this year's Olympians.  Some have lost parents along the way; they have had to move far away from home to get the coaching they needed; they have endured injury and defeat all along the way; but in the end, they achieved the ultimate dream of competing with the world's best athletes.

Often, the only difference between those who get what they want out of life and those who don't is having the determination to do what needs to be done. When we stop focusing on the competition and begin to look inward, we can achieve great things.  Stop keeping score and go for the gold!

DJ

Re-Frame Your Life

This morning I met with my dear friend, Leah, and we were discussing the realities of  becoming the parents of grown children.  My youngest son will be 20 years old tomorrow and will begin his second year in college.  The middle child is a senior in college and my oldest graduated from college six years ago.  I was lamenting that they are all doing "their thing" and I been forced to re-think my role that I had been playing for the past 28 years.

Through a series of events I realized that my boys have been my top priority for a long time. Now that they are adults, I have had to take a hard look at my own priorities and re-frame my my life in a way that makes sense now.

I have spent so much of my life putting myself and my issues aside to make sure my boys had what they needed.  It actually feels strange and even selfish to put myself first for a change. My oldest son constantly tells me to stop being so concerned about he and his brothers and use that energy to go where God is leading me. WOW...that feels weird coming from my child but I finally realized that not only was he telling me that I needed to focus on me but also that he and his brothers needed their space to learn how to be an adult.
I no longer need to remind my boys (yes, I do know that they are men now!) to remember important stuff and, if they do forget, they will figure it out.  I am realizing that the things they needed me for in the past are no longer necessary and all the lessons they have learned over the years can now be put into practice.

At first it felt like I had been "laid off" from a job I loved but with each passing day, it feels more like being retired from a job with a huge severance check.  I still get to visit my co-workers (my sons) but we don't have that day-to-day work relationship anymore.  I also realize that I am too young to really retire so I now get to start my new job that has a lot more options.

I finally have no excuses for making more of my dreams come true.  The real gift is that the more I am doing my thing and following my path, the more confident the boys are in doing the same thing.  I now see one of  my jobs as setting an example for my boys on how to live their adult life with purpose and excitement.

Take some time to look at your life and make sure you are not spending your days living vicariously through your child but instead, re-frame your life and keep a proper balance.  I am already seeing some great benefits from this new perspective.  Enjoy!

DJ

Train up a Child

Everywhere I look I hear someone hating on Tim Tebow!  Every week I am reading a commentary or listening to a sports announcer musing about how “over the top” Tebow is with his faith and why he should tone down his message and just play ball.  We live in a world where negativity is always front page news while the special interest story may not even make the news at all.

People who really know me know that I am not a Gator fan (I am mean, SERIOUSLY—They are the team that robbed my Buckeyes and my child of the National Championship Title in 2006) and I am not a Broncos fan (that same child went on to play for the Raiders-Need I say more?).  What I am is a mom and a child of God who is thrilled that there is a player out there whose walk matches his talk.  I am not talking about the player who gets down on one knee after a big play and then is arrested for a DUI after the game. Nor am I talking about the person who thanks God for his victory and then is ranting and cussing on Facebook (sometimes this happens on the same post).

Tim Tebow grew up in a Christian home where it was common to give back to the community, go on mission trips and do the right thing.  I am not saying that Tebow is a saint, but it sure is refreshing to see a child who was trained well and hasn’t forgotten what he has learned.  That is a parent’s dream.  It seems to be paying off in his first season as a Bronco.  Every week someone tells me that Tebow is just not that good and then has to eat their words when the Broncos win again.  I believe that living right has its rewards. 

We are living in an era where it is hard to find role models in high profile places. Thank you Tebow for not being ashamed of who you believe in and for his parents who seemed to have done a great job training up this young man.